When I am anxious...

When I am anxious,

I tend to scratch; I itch and I itch, but it won't disappear.

It has gotten to worry others, especially since I wound my own face.

When I am anxious,

I am most attentive, but only to anything and everything I am not trying to do.

Little words creep into my mind, and paranoia drives me out of my senses.

When I am in crowds,

I am uncomfortable, the touching of bodies against bodies stimulates my brain.

I start to become afraid, I look around for friends, but all I can see are strange faces.

When I am in class,

I shift and move a lot, I look for things to entertain me, but I know better.

I struggle to hear and to listen, and the fact that I cannot understand every other word drives me nuts.

When I take a test,

I get riled up, my heart beats fast as I feel ready for this one.

I sit down and take the page, but all of my hard work and study vanishes as I face a mental wall.

When I am struggling to remember,

I am often watched, I can feel their eyes as they wait for me to remember, to answer.

But, it won't come to me, and I begin to panic under the pressure they set upon me.

When I am told to sit still,

I cannot understand it, it is not a controlled part of my body, I do this because I have to.

ADD? ADHD? I reached out for years seeking guidance about what this was but still they ignore me.

When I am confronted,

I am at my worst, I don't like to disappoint or hurt others but I have to stand my ground.

But, finding my ground on the spot is difficult, I feel I am left to tremble and flail until I am hurt.

I cope with anxiety,

By avoiding people, I look away, I turn away, I hide in my own space.

I seek privacy and comfort within a small boundary, seeking refuge from human stimulation.

I cope with anxiety,

With a fake smile, I want to be the happy ditz I am seen as, so I try harder.

I am teased and scorned for my privacy, they seek to force me out of my shell, seek to force me to love their way of living.

I deal with anxiety,

By pretending my problems do not exist, for if I think of one thing, I will think of the next.

I can't think about it now, it is a whole year away, but I won't be able to sleep.

I deal with anxiety,

With various tricks, a memo for everything, a place for all things and nothing out of its place.

Even I cannot be out of place, as a foot too far from the door makes my nerves come unhinged.

I muster trough the day,

With routines and rituals, I have set them up so everyone knows me on my route.

I cry to break the norm, but it cannot be helped if I do not want to break myself.

I live with anxiety,

It is more than tests and presentations, it takes a psychological jump past shyness.

It is an integral part of my life, my anxieties and coping mechanisms are me.

I am not alone,

There are others out there, I know they feel the same as me.

They are trapped in their own space, they are caught in their own head and unable to remove themselves.

There is hope,

For every day I spend in anxiety, I spend thinking about the good things in life, and all that I have to live for.

For every day I spend with people, I feel human interaction again.

There is light,

So long as I keep my chin up, the tears will not have mattered, only to have soothed my past aches.

The future can only be bright if you make it, I will not let my anxiety rule my life.

I live with anxiety,

Day in and day out, I live in this form of misery and self-resentment, knowing I could do better.

I live in this state of constant fear, I live in this world of undeniable self-torture.