I bet it's normal.
For most writers anyways...
I experienced it one other time in my life....for a brief day I spent unable to type out words on my computer...
I am locked in writer's block.
I...I've never had this.
It's not like I don't have the ideas, they're still ebbing and flowing...but the need to make the words flow with chapter after chapter within a day...is gone.
My usual drive with 200,000 words in a month is gone.
I haven't even met the 50,000 word goal for NaNoWriMo yet...
So what's up with my title?
Well...I guess I have realized something.
A shift in my life if you will.
Since coming to Japan, being around these people, and being far from people back home...I have become content.
More than content!
I'm actually...
I'm happy.
I don't talk about depression for myself too much.
I feel like talking about one's own problems is therapeutic, but at some point some people start to assume that like many others you are seeking attention. So I don't like using internet too much for therapy in that form.
I've probably written something about it way back a few months though.
But for a few years now, I've been suffering with depression.
It got worse over the summer for me, as I returned to my home and became stuck living with a parent in a mobile trailer...until I was moved off to my grandmother's new apartment.
It wasn't a terrible place to be. I'd say it's fair.
I was living there for free so I can't complain.
But, there are aspects of family that for my situation it was not okay for me to go back there. They love me and all, but they do not seem to see what they've done, and what they do.
Not like I can outright tell them. It's not something you can explain to them.
They would negate with explaining in minor terms that I am being whiny and attacking them.
I'm rambling now, aren't I?
Anyways...my depression got worse over the summer...and something I haven't revealed to many people, because I was horrified by it, was that I became suicidal.
Now, people like to assume depressed people at that point want to die. This is not the case.
I do not want to die.
I do not see the need to die.
I do not wish to feel the pain of dying.
I do not want to leave behind my work.
But during that time, I was going through stress and pressure from them and eventually something clicked.
I started noticing myself going into a haze where I tried to veer off into a telephone pole. I didn't doze off, I was awake and conscious of my actions, until suddenly my instincts kicked in and veered the vehicle back on course.
That's what saved me. Fear of death.
It's saved me many times. And I became an emotional wreck. Nobody would take my suicidalness seriously. Nobody would direct me to someplace for help. I didn't even know if there was a helpline to call (which I found out later there is).
Then my sister gave me a BB gun. It was a random gift, she didn't want it anymore. She just handed it off to me.
It's nothing awful, it's just your average looks-like-a-real-rifle kind of BB gun.
It marked my subconscious and I started having night terrors constantly, depicting suicide via rifle to the mouth.
It was a terrifying time. And worse, nobody would believe me, or help me.
I sometimes wonder if they just don't know how to react to this.
I know my family is predominantly full of people who like to talk a lot about problems they may not even have, to get attention. But this was not what this was about.
I reached out.
I tried, and...
I only got worse.
My dreams to write more and to go to Japan were the driving forces that kept me going, regardless of what was told to me, or how I was treated.
I eventually recovered and came into a numb stage when I went to my grandma's house.
(Gave the BB gun to my dad, so I don't have that anymore. Didn't need it lingering in my subconscious.)
It became a numb thing.
As a critical person, I was questioning day to day whether - because I had come out of my hysterical suicidal mode - if I was still depressed, or if I was just unhappy day to day.
I'm not waiting for my life to someday become happy.
I've been striving for that throughout my college years.
And I think-
I think I've finally found it in a place so welcoming that I've never felt afraid of a stranger here.
After getting over the jet lag, I experienced a change in me like nothing else.
And while I think it's more than the Japanese culture and support of college friends, I know that the culture has had a great impact on my life that has helped this.
To those who helped support me through hard times, thank you.
Even for something as small as purchasing one of my books.
Even if it was a download, you may not have sent me money, but you sent me a message, that something I wrote was worth reading, which means I shouldn't stop the art.
Regardless I won't stop writing.
But often times, emotional tendencies tend to make it easier to write and express things. Words form out of my hands like a flow of water, but now it's molasses in mid-June.
I won't complain though. Because, I've found happiness.
I am content.
And though this experience in Japan won't last long, I can now find that happy balance of contentedness in my life.
So...
So as my birthday approaches, I make this post to simply share my happiness. It's the best birthday gift in the world.
...
...
Sorry, I got teary eyed. It means a lot more than you know.
It sounds stupid, but to me it means a whole lot.
Depression isn't just chronic unhappiness because classifying it that way would mean that I am just constantly unhappy with what I am given, that I am just disappointed like an unpleasant child.
That is what that phrase chronic unhappiness sounds to somebody like me who has suffered through depression. Depression is more serious than that.
I can smile, and often I did smile. It's called masking the pain.
Many who suffer mask it. They don't want to hurt those they love. They don't want them to feel this hurt that depressed people feel.
But never acknowledging it as a real illness, that hurts even worse.
Treating it like it means nothing more than being a hormonal wreck or just not being thankful enough is horrible.
I spent many nights telling myself "I am thankful for my mother" "I am thankful for my father" "I am thankful for my sister" "I am thankful for my nephew" "I am thankful for my blessings" "I have it so good"
All of those things don't make you happy when you are depressed. Those things just make you realize how important it is that you don't hurt the people you love.
But sometimes, the people you love will unintentionally hurt you, because they think depression means being sad all the time. Just not being thankful for your blessings. That you don't try every day to get out of bed and wear a smile.
For many this condition is severe, some may never recover because of certain factors that hold them in depression.
If you or somebody you love is reaching out to you, trying to tell you that they are beyond sad or that they feel suicidal and dangerous to themselves, please contact somebody and help them to get help.
I came very close to hurting the people I love because I lost control. I came very close to making my family see just what I was going through by ending everything.
Death isn't the way loved ones should get the rude awakening that depression is a serious problem.
Often times, it may seem like attention grabbing...but if it's not, it can be more harm than good to ignore it.
So why would you pretend this is attention grabbing?
Why would you brush it off?
If they had cancer, why would you tell them to bear through the pain everyday?
Would you not be the one to drive them to their treatment appointments?
Why would you tell them that nobody can help them because the doctor just isn't affordable because insurance won't pay for that kind of care?
Especially in emergency situations, don't hesitate to call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) which is the US National Lifeline.
There are emergency helplines in other countries. So if you are in such a situation and seeking such a help line, you can find such lines online. They provide online chats and phone numbers.
Don't hesitate when somebody expresses extreme depression. They don't necessarily want to die, but I'm one of the lucky ones who recovered from what has taken the lives of so many people who lost control of their happiness and saw no more reason to return to their course.
I hope to hold onto happiness and that no factors drive me back into a relapse.
I hold onto hope that others who still suffer through this can reach out to others and find a way to ease their pain and recover from this.
Thanks for reading.
I know this has been long winded.
A little bit preachy.
A little bit rambling.
But I was feeling the need to share my happiness, and why it makes me cry to feel so happy.
And I feel it necessary to get the word out.
Everybody knows about suicide and that it exists...
But do you do anything about it? Or are they just talk?
...
That was a trick question, direct them towards help!
...
...
If you yourself are going through these kinds of things...I wish you the best. It's not impossible to overcome these feelings. It's just not as easy as everybody makes it out to be.
Happiness is something that should be natural to us.
Sometimes it is beaten out of us.
Sometimes we are born with chronic conditions.
Sometimes we are given an unfair hand.
But, I believe that hand in hand, we can continue to strive towards the goal of our own happiness.
Seek out loved ones and friends who will understand you. Seek out help in any way you can, no matter if it is urgent or not. Seek a counselor if you can. Seek in the aid of others. It is hard, especially for people as proud as I.
Counselors were worried my depression would worsen when I got to Japan, but it did the reverse.
I believe in you, and I hope you pull through this. Because you deserve happiness.
Don't fear fear itself, for it is fear that keeps us alive when most things would make us meet death
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